I remember, in the olden days, long, long ago, when customers would judge your wine by pulling the cork, and tasting the contents of your bottle. True, a nice presentation would always help, and perhaps even add a bit of gravitas to your brand, but it now appears that this old-fashioned notion might have changed somewhat. There’s a new generation of rude, budget-priced wines that have forced their way into shops and supermarkets, not necessarily because of their quality, but possibly based more upon the shock value of their labels…..

For example, you can now buy any number of ‘Bitchin’ wines – Sassy Bitch, Jealous Bitch, Tasty Bitch, Sweet Bitch, Royal Bitch and Happy Bitch. Then of course there are the more ‘macho’ brands such as Big-Ass Red, Ball Buster and Fat Bastard Shiraz (the latter actually made by an old friend of mine!)

These labels might go down well at a stag or hen party, but can you seriously imagine presenting one of these wines as a gift to you mother on Mother’s Day? They are quite obviously targeted at a certain type of consumer, and I am reliably informed that “this irreverence reflects an evolution in the cultural presentation of wine”. Casual apparently became cheeky, and cheeky has now given way to saucy, or perhaps even downright rude.

In an increasingly competitive market it’s quite clear that some winemakers have been frantically trying to popularise their products, and have been discovering new ways to move their bottles from the shelf without necessarily changing the contents!

Now, if only I could think of a good name for our b*@!$* Albariño.

Sometimes when you read a story your first reaction is to check the calendar to see if it’s April Fools Day (or the Dia de los Inocentes if you live in Spain)!

Would you believe that it has, apparently, been proved that cattle produce less methane gas if you feed them on grape ‘marc’? When fed the stems, seeds and skins that were left over from making (red) wine, material known as the ‘marc’, methane emissions from the cows dropped by 20 per cent!

What do you buy this Christmas for the person who has everything? I have the answer…… a personalised grape holder, designed to hold exactly 12 grapes!

And why would you need one of these I can hear you asking? Again, the answer is quite simple – to stop your grapes rolling off the table.

But why do you need a holder specifically for 12 grapes, you persist? Perhaps only our Spanish readers will understand the significance? You might need one for the 12 grapes that you eat on midnight on 31st December - one for each chime of the clock. 

Eating grapes at 12 o’clock is supposed to bring you luck for the coming new year, but the truth of the matter is that it was originally designed as a marketing ploy by grape growers in a year when they had a surfeit of fruit (perhaps we could have done the same with our 2011 harvest?) Obviously the idea caught on, and it has since become an annual tradition.

Having said that, the idea that you might actually need a specially designed holder for your fruit is a bit beyond me I’m afraid. Even as a person that loves gadgets I think I can live quite happily without one.

When we are drunk we sweat alcohol through our pores, and so what better way to freshen up than to rinse ourselves down with a tablet of booze scented soap? Whacky, but apparently true…..

Both organic and vegan-friendly, these responsibly produced(?) bars come a selection of scents that sound more like a cocktail list than something you would find in your bathroom cabinet – gin & tonic, whisky sour, screwdriver, and prohibition spiced rum!

I wonder if we have enough time to produce an albariño aftershave between now and Christmas?